Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Cat Likes Live Prey

So a moth came into the house tonight, my cat began playing cat and moth with said moth.  I know I may get some mockery for this but after encouraging the cat to kill the moth I could not let her toy with it forever so I picked up my cat so my wife could get the moth and either put it outside or well you know.  I immediately realized the cat takes live prey much more seriously than say a cat dancer or a laser dot.  The cat began to convulse like she was undergoing electroshock therapy.  During the convulsions there was some damage done but I was able to put her into a bedroom and shut the door.

I then took care of the moth situation, unfortunately it was a job for the Wolf. 

I then took inventory of my injuries.  The forearms where bloodied as you would expect and even a pretty good gash on one thumb but as time continued to spit out ticks I began to notice a warm feeling around my left nipple.  Then the nipple began to burn as I began to take inventory of the nipple I noticed four claw marks starting right below my collar bone and ending under my nipple.  Upon closer examination I noticed that all four wounds were bleeding and my nipple was partially detached.  I think a lesser man might have gone to the urgent care.

The morale of this tale?  Don't get between a predator and live prey? YOLO?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

My New Diagnosis To Correct My Wrong Diagnosis Was Also A Wrong Diagnosis

I have not been regular the past month.  While that statement does apply to posting on a weekly basis it unfortunately applies to much more.  There is of course the obvious joke and while I am no longer shitting on schedule but that is just the beginning. In the many pains (intentional misspelling of pane) of stain glass that make up the window that is me the lack of regular shitting is in the lower left corner hidden by a column from most angles.  The pains (panes, huh wink?) are varied and some are jagged and are not found a place.

The main reason that I have not posted as often as I would like is simple, I have felt poorly.  All over, the kind of pain that lies on you like uneven chain mail that has been hit with too many maces.  A lot of the pain was taken on by choice.  The choice was not well informed but it was a choice I made none the less.  I went to see a new rheumatologist and she had a theory that I had inactive sarcoidosis and undiagnosed active fibromyalgia.

I thought the new rhumie was wrong.  There are not a lot of people that are up to speed on sarcoidosis and I expect since the TV show House has ended that there will be even fewer people that know anything about sarcoidosis going forward.  The reason this has importance is chronic and refractory sarcoidosis can cause small fiber neuropathy which has a lot of cross over with fibromyalgia when it comes to symptoms.  In the sarcoidosis rare disease online meet up group there are many anecdotal experiences that have shown that doctors that are unfamiliar with sarcoidosis and have seen a lot of Lyrica ads think everyone presenting with those symptoms has fibromyalgia.

This post is going to drag on and be about sarcoidosis and here we go.  There are no tests that can tell the difference between fibromyalgia and small fiber neuropathy, there are things that can definitely cause the scale to lean in one direction or the other but nothing definitive.  One of those things is if you have a positive EMG (if you want to know about an EMG Google it because I am to lazy to link to the Wikipedia article, better than that go to YouTube and be warned there are two inch needles being inserted into extremities and then electricity is run through the needles) so back to it if you have a positive EMG it almost always means it is not fibromyalgia.  Now I have a positive EMG and communicated that to my doctor.  She did not mention to me that she did not know much about sarcoidosis and I was also unaware that if you have a positive EMG it excludes fibromyalgia.

If I had known these things I probably would have avoided the next three months of serious unpleasantness.

As I think about I wonder if the new rhumie thought that I was mistaken about my EMG results or did she think I was lying about them?  I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she thought I was mistaken.  Anywho I started to taper off my sarcoidosis medications and started to taper up on a drug for fibromyalgia.  I was under the impression that if I got better or stayed the same I had fibromyalgia and if I had bad trip so to speak it meant I had sarcoidosis. This was a three month process and at the end of month one I was in bad shape, by the end of month two I was in worse shape, by month two and a half...

Well by two and a half months the darkness started swirling up around me, it is like that ice palace from the movie Frozen if it had been done for the cover of a Black Metal album.  Things start to get bleak when you can not remember the last time you had a moment of comfort.  It has been years since I have had a moment without pain. These days I just aim a little lower and shoot for moments of comfort.  Of course this only relates to the physical but to my chagrin the physical seems to have a lot to do with the mental and emotional.

I can't remember what I have documented over the last few months and I do not feel like going back and reading my own posts, it is like hearing a recording of your own voice.  Over the past year or so I have had several situations that generally would be considered stressful and all though I can not say there is a definitive causal relationship between stress and my sarcoidosis flaring but I can say without a doubt there is a correlation.  This rubs me the wrong way, I hate that my mind can effect my body.  I will be honest I am not sure why I hate that but down to my core I can feel the hate.

I am surprised that I have viscera but I can tell that I have viscera because that is where the hate is for stress effecting me is located, right next to where I keep my methane.  I will explore in the future why I hate this stress thing, I do not know if I will find an answer, when I say I will explore in the future it usually means I know but I am tired of writing but this time I do not know.  

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Streak Has Been Broken (A World Of Hurt)

The past couple of months have been rough.  It has been physically, emotionally but not spiritually difficult.  In a reflection of that difficulty this post will be short but it will be posted.  I am feeling guilt for not having kept my streak of a post every week alive.  I hope to delve into that in a future post but I am not sure I will live long enough to have the necessary psychotherapy to extract or get to the bottom of the deep black well of guilt that lies at the center of my soul.

Three months ago I started seeing a new rheumatologist.  A smart, funny and caring doctor and that is a rare thing.  I can hear the gears turning out there and I know my audience is thinking this sounds promising how is he going to bitch about this?  Here we go, there was a problem.  She does not think that my list of complaints is caused by sarcoidosis.  She thinks that I have fibromyalgia that is untreated combined with side effects from the drugs I am taking for sarcoidosis.

Besides the new rheumatologist I see four other doctors of various specialities on a regular basis.  None of these four doctors think she is correct.  I personally do not think she is correct.  This is relevant because the new rhumie wanted me to ween me off of all my sarcoidosis drugs with a few exceptions and start a drug for  fibromyalgia.  Now although I think the new rhumie is wrong I think she is intelligent, caring, thoughtful and just keep adding positive adjectives so I agreed to stop the sarc drugs and start the fibro drugs.

That was three months ago and I am now off the sarc drugs and taking the fibromyalgia drugs.  Soooo a few things have become apparent, if I have fibromyalgia these drugs are not working at all and I may not have sarcoidosis but the drugs I was taking for sarcoidosis did do something.  I mean when I was on the sarc drugs I felt completely awful and I was about to say read previous blog posts but I am really not sure what I have mentioned in the past and what I have not.  Soooo again I will say I was in a sorry sad state when I was on the sarc drugs and now that I am off the sarc drugs I will say that I really long for the sorry sad state and if I get back to that I will savor it and enjoy it just a little more.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Your So Vain I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You, Don't You?

I thought about starting this blog off in what I think would have been a hilarious way, it would have gone like this:

Yes, that is the answer.  Yes every blog post I have ever written has been about you.

I stopped myself.  Most of my posts are just my feeling and thoughts at the time they are written and what I mean by that is I do not usually have specific intention when I write.  This time I have a specific intention so be forewarned I do not anticipate it being funny or poignant.

Three times that I know of someone has been deeply offended by what I have written about them.  Only once have my words been about the person that was offended.  Before I continue I should mention that I am guessing that this happens much more than I think and most people seethe and do not confront me, the thought of that makes me sad.  At this point in my life I would hope to not cause any unintended suffering. Alright back to the topic at hand.

The two people that I did not mean to offend thought that my words had implications that they did not.  I would like to say I never imply or use subtext when I communicate.  My mother was a master of implications and subtext, speaking with her was always a chess match and unfortunately my mother's genius exceeds my above average intelligence and she would win, at least most of the time.  I spent my childhood in a cloud of words and I never had any security or trust.  With that history in mind I have done my best not to never imply or use subtext, now of course I can not deny I am influenced by my subconscious and I can not say I never ever use them but I try, I try real hard.

I have brought my fair share of people to tears and for the sake of this I will leave out everyone I ever dated but my current wife but unfortunately that still leaves a long list of folks.  For most of my young adult life and "mature" adult life I have handled disputes by getting angry and telling people exactly what I think.  I thought this was the alternative to my mother's methods.  Getting sick and finally feeling overwhelmed to the point where I was willing to seek therapy and by getting that therapy I came to realize a few things.

First and foremost my logic hammer can not beat someone into seeing the truth.  People perceive reality through their minds and their minds often do not use logic.  To that end I am learning to take a breath and think will things be "better" after I have spoken.  Second and second most I have learned that when your only conflict resolution skill is angry yelling people think you are an asshole.  I have learned other things but those two are really important.

To all my faithful readers I guarantee this: I will not write a blog post about you that contains anything I have not said to your face, well probably to your digital face because I am homebound but you get the drift.  For all those who for whatever reason did not get the drift I say this, if you are not sure if a blog post is about you, it is not about you.  I am learning to take a breath.  I have not been a 100% at taking breaths, meaning I still have no filter and if I am mad at you or think you have done me wrong I will tell you to your face, probably loudly.