Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A new year (warning not as happy as most posts)

I have a disease that has no known cause or cure.  I try not to look further into the future than a few hours, to see my wife smile.  When March roles around in 2013 it will be three years since diagnosis and acute onset of sarcoidosis.  I would like to think I have gained some kind of insight and perspective on life since it became apparent to me how close to meeting my maker I am at any given moment but I do not know if that is true.  I have come to value the smiles of children and to see my friends happy and well.  For myself it is not easy, in the morning I wake up in fear and wait to see what the pain level is.  I have been house bound for past couple of months only leaving the house to go see doctors.  With the help of my wife and family I have converted the room that was to be the nursery for the baby my wife and I were planning on having into a sick room.  It is as comfortable as it can be for me in the physical sense but sometimes the ghosts of Christmas future do haunt me in here.  I usually am positive when looking forward to the possible future but sometimes the gremlins of what if do roll around in my head.  Three years of pain does were on even the brightest of lights, yes I am tooting my own horn I am one of the brightest lights.  I do rely on my faith more than I ever have before and I have to come to a spiritual peace that usually gets me through most days.