Monday, March 4, 2013

Another Monday (Disabled)

Today I did a phone interview for the company that is handling my Social Security Disability claim.  This is the insurance that all working people pay to the federal government.  The long term disability insurance that I had through my last employer is handling the Social Security claim for me, of course that is not completely out of altruism.  If my claim is approved they will have to pay me less money.

All of that is mere precursor to what is actually on my mind.  I have been in a state of denial about being disabled.  Events have made me deny less and less as time has gone on.  It is hard for me not to think about this as giving up.  I like working, unbeknownst to me until recently a lot of my identity was wrapped up in  working.  Now I have lost part of my identity.  I feel blank and empty.

Everyday I imagine what it will be like to work again and not be blank, to have my canvas again painted by work.  The interview today was another dose of reality that I may have to paint my canvas with a brush other than work.  As I approach my fortieth birthday at the end of this month I wonder if I can learn to paint with another brush.