Saturday, April 27, 2013

Imagining the death of my father

I have tried to not think about my father's death.  At least once a day I imagine him dying.  I think about him having a heart attack and then being unable to keep himself out of the water in the bathtub and drowning.  It is not the worst way I can imagine dying but it sounds awful.  

I put this post on the shelf for a while and probably was not going to come back to it.  I have posts every so often that are like that.  They start with an idea but then I have nothing more to say about it.  Today I received my fathers death certificate...

The cause of death listed on the death certificate was drowning in the setting of severe hypertension and arteriosclerosis cardiovascular disease.  It is hard to know what I feel about thatWhen I heard what had happened to my father my mind jumped to the worst case scenario which was him having a heart attack and then drowning.  I then come to find out that is exactly how he died and I again it is hard to know what I feel about that.   

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Three years sick

I received my diagnosis three years ago.  Doctors never really come out and say you are getting sicker and I am worried but I have found several tips to know you are getting sicker. 

If your doctor wants to see you on a regular basis you might be getting sicker.

If your doctor wants to try an experimental treatment you might be getting sicker.

I was doing a whole Jeff Foxworthy thing there but those are really the two big tips to know you getting sicker.

So my doctor wants to see my on a regular basis and wants to try an experimental treatment and I know what that means.  I do not really need any those signs to know I am sicker but it is harder to deny once the doctor validates that you are sicker.

I usually try and end each blog post with a positive message or thought.  Today's thought is my dad was always worried that he would have to speak at my funeral and at least I have lived long enough to make sure that will not happen.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Dad is still dead

It has been two weeks and my dad is still dead.  In my mind I know he is dead but somehow it is still not real to me.  His cremains arrived at my sisters house priority mail, it cost $42 to get him from Iowa to Utah.  On some primal level my brain refuses to process that he is dead perhaps since I did not see the body.  It may also be some higher function denial but I prefer to think it as being primal.

My dad spent a lot time traveling and I would often not hear from hear for weeks at a time.  I have a hard time accepting that he wont call to ask me the difference between likes and friends on Facebook.  There will be no call to fix a virus he has downloaded.  He will never take me to dinner and I wont here him laugh and tell me his stories of woe and love.  I understand all of this on an intellectual level but I can not accept it.  I know there are stages of grief but all I have been experiencing so far is the occasional douche bag stage.  My wife would like that stage to end soon.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Dad is dead

It has been almost a week now since he died.  I do apologize for the delay in my usual posting schedule but I think under the circumstances everyone will forgive.  I still have not felt anything, I am numb.  I am sure at some point I will feel something.  At the moment all I have is fits of anger that are sometimes directed in an appropriate direction and sometimes not.

My current anger is directed at the term passed away.  My dad was an otherwise healthy man that had a sudden and unexpected heart attack.  He was in the bath and his companion of the moment came in and tried to drain the tub and to keep his head above water.  We are still waiting the results of the autopsy but he either died of sudden horrible heart attack or drown in a tub.  I would not describe that as passed away.