Monday, April 8, 2013

Dad is still dead

It has been two weeks and my dad is still dead.  In my mind I know he is dead but somehow it is still not real to me.  His cremains arrived at my sisters house priority mail, it cost $42 to get him from Iowa to Utah.  On some primal level my brain refuses to process that he is dead perhaps since I did not see the body.  It may also be some higher function denial but I prefer to think it as being primal.

My dad spent a lot time traveling and I would often not hear from hear for weeks at a time.  I have a hard time accepting that he wont call to ask me the difference between likes and friends on Facebook.  There will be no call to fix a virus he has downloaded.  He will never take me to dinner and I wont here him laugh and tell me his stories of woe and love.  I understand all of this on an intellectual level but I can not accept it.  I know there are stages of grief but all I have been experiencing so far is the occasional douche bag stage.  My wife would like that stage to end soon.