Monday, April 8, 2013

Dad is still dead

It has been two weeks and my dad is still dead.  In my mind I know he is dead but somehow it is still not real to me.  His cremains arrived at my sisters house priority mail, it cost $42 to get him from Iowa to Utah.  On some primal level my brain refuses to process that he is dead perhaps since I did not see the body.  It may also be some higher function denial but I prefer to think it as being primal.

My dad spent a lot time traveling and I would often not hear from hear for weeks at a time.  I have a hard time accepting that he wont call to ask me the difference between likes and friends on Facebook.  There will be no call to fix a virus he has downloaded.  He will never take me to dinner and I wont here him laugh and tell me his stories of woe and love.  I understand all of this on an intellectual level but I can not accept it.  I know there are stages of grief but all I have been experiencing so far is the occasional douche bag stage.  My wife would like that stage to end soon.


  1. Wabbit,
    I always go to that when I think of you- that cute boy we would tease years ago...many years ago. Anyway...

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You will cry - it will just take an unexpected memory, location, etc to set you off. And it may take a while.

    I didn't cry when my dad died - until I was driving and heard it was father's day on the radio and some stupid song came on that triggered a specific memory - I had to pull over as I was in hysterics. This was well over a month & 1/2 after his death.

    I cry over stupid commercials now and still shed very few tears for my dad. It's okay. I don't believe it diminishes how I or you feel or the importance of who they were in our lives. I feel that its our inner strength protecting us from what is a natural progression of our parents dying.

    I would not be surprised if I have the same response with my mom. We go through the motions until we are ready to have that "episode". Stop questioning your feelings or actions as I am sure when you are ready and the trigger hits-you will shed those tears.

    You are loved.

  2. Thanks I appreciate that, I will be honest I can not even remember what I wrote. Sometimes just writing and putting it out there helps.