Monday, July 22, 2013

Remicade continued

I have finished my third infusion of remicade last Tuesday.  Besides a little pneumonia I have experienced improvement in all of my symptoms with one important caveat.  I have experienced an increase in joint and muscle pain.  I have run out of adjectives to try and describe pain and I will not bore you with anymore futile attempts.  That being said what the hell I am I going to say then?

Pain sucks, blah blah blah, pain changes your life, blah blah blah, nobody understands, blah blah blah, quality of life, blah blah blah.  All my posts are stream of consciousness but this one seems to be more stream and less consciousness.  I thought that if the remicade had shown any signs of not working I would freak out.  Remicade is after all the last treatment available and if it does not work that will be that.  Somehow I have gone from being ready to kill myself to some kind Zen place that somehow resembles apathy.

I am still scared of pain and I do not know if I have ever really been scared of death or not.  The fact that I am still scared of pain would lead me to think that I should be scared that the remicade is either causing severe pain or not preventing the disease from causing more pain but I am not.  I am not sure why I am not scared either.  This could simply be today and the massive amount of drugs in my system or maybe I have turned over a new leaf and found apathy?