Monday, August 5, 2013

Getting Your Affairs In Order (Part 2)

Telephone meeting with the lawyer was boring and upsetting at the same time.  There is a lot of tedium when it comes to planning your death and that is where the boring kicks in.  The upsetting part is probably not what you would think.  It did not make my death "real" because of all the planning, I have grown pretty comfortable with the idea of dying.  Now don't get me wrong I am not looking forward to my death and I am not excited by the prospect of being no more.  So what upset me?  The questions about living in horrible scenarios.

There are the questions you would expect, if you are brain dead do you want to pull the plug and other easy questions that I had considered before ever seeing the lawyer.  Then you move into when you want to be resuscitated or i.e. your DNR rules.  There are lots of things to consider but I will go ahead and skip to the upsetting things.  Would you choose to be resuscitated if you would live for many years in unbelievable pain?  Now I am oversimplifying this for sake of this intellectual exercise but that is pretty much the gist.

Once this possibility had been brought to my attention it did seem obvious but cut me some slack I am on a lot drugs that effect my brain and I am distracted with the whole trying to make the decisions about keeping me a alive and to have some kind of quality of life.  So would I want to be alive if it would involve a lot of suffering?  It turns out that after this was so initially upsetting the answer was apparent by my current actions and actually I feel kind of stupid.  If you follow my blog there was a post a few weeks back called have you ever put a gun in your mouth? and that post was about being in so much pain that it drove me to seriously consider suicide.  The fact that I am writing this and I did not shoot myself indicates that I would want to live even with suffering that had no hope of end other than death.

That is the boat I am already traveling in.  Could it get worse?  Sure things can always get worse and I am grateful that they are not worse.  I am grateful I have a wife that has stayed with me and given me excellent care.  I would be dead right now if it were not for my wife.  There are two reasons for that, one her care has been the difference on several occasions between me living and dying, two I would not have the will to live if it were not for her and I would have given up long ago.

I look back over this post and it is getting kind of convoluted, not my best work.  I think I am still convoluted in my head about this topic and maybe thats why it comes out convoluted.  Alas stay tuned and maybe before I die this will all work itself out.