Monday, September 30, 2013

My mom has no teeth (part 2)

Once I opened the mom can of worms it looks like it is staying open for at least one more post.  Why I am so angry that mom is sick and toothless?  Well after a week spent in self examination it has become quite clear.  She is sick and she does not have to be.  I have spent the last three years doing everything I can to restore some semblance of health to this body and my mother could spend fifteen minutes with a doctor and she could be restored to a reasonably healthy existence.

She needs to treated for type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure.  Although congestive heart failure sounds scary a little loop diuretic would get her up and moving.  She has two well known and easily treated diseases but she chooses to stay at home and suffer until she dies. I stay at home and suffer, we have that in common, but I have little choice in the matter.

I think in general, if I may toot my own horn, I am a pretty Zen.  I am talented at accepting what life has given me and make the best of a situation. I try and enjoy the only life I have to live and I do not begrudge other people their health or happiness.  For the last couple of weeks I have had a real hard time keeping my Zen, especially in regards to the not begrudging other people their health and happiness.  I am not angry at people that are healthy and happy, I am really f***ing pissed off at people that could be healthy and choose to wallow in their illness.

I know there must be something complicated that goes on in my mothers psyche.  I am sure she is not sitting down and saying to herself I am going to wallow in my illness and suffer needlessly but from the outside looking in it is hard for me to see anything else.  If I take a step back I know there must be some deep rooted fear of the medical profession, especially dentists obviously and I can relate.  At one point in my life I was afraid of dentists and doctors and I know it was irrational but when push came to shove and it was see a doctor and do what he says or die, I decided to see a doctor and do what he says. 

Even though I am doing what doctors say at this point it looks as though I will be leaving the stage of life prematurely.  I am adding this for all the asshats that are going to chime in that we all have to die, well I am aware of that but we all do not have to die living statistically only half of a normal life.  Now next week I am sure I will have recovered my Zen and the posts will again be inspiring about my struggle and I do appreciate your patience while I indulged a little of the darkness that is around.