Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Government Shutdown and the afterlife

I like to hear myself talk.  Everyone who has a blog likes the sound of their own voice.  I also like to think that I am helping people.  When I was first diagnosed with sarcoidosis there was a blog I found that kept me going for a good while.  There was practical information about how to handle the day to day but more than that it was personal and I felt like we had a shared experience.  The author of that blog died and when I found that out having a shared experience did not seem like a good thing.

Over the last couple of months I have slowly been posting more about conflict.  Conflict of all kinds, inner conflicts, childhood conflicts, adult conflicts and of course the conflict about the government shut down and the tone of the blog has shifted.  In my moments of self aggrandizing thoughts I think that the way I have handled being sick has been magnificent.  At one point I was accepting what life had for me and finding the joy in it no matter where it was.

I think I have lost the joy, at least to some extent.  Regardless of how my body physically declines there is still joy in this life and I have stopped looking.  When I take a step back to look at myself it is apparent that I am short sighted.  I had forgotten I am going to die.  In the end life is terminal.  I do not have time not to find the joy and truly none of us has the time to not find the joy.  I will try and keep a little distance from myself so that I have a clear view and I can be more far sighted.  From back here I scan the horizon of my life for joy especially at the intersections of the people I love.