Monday, February 17, 2014

Its upbeat really! (Not the most cohesive shrug) part 1

Sometimes life is not pleasant.  My last two posts have demonstrated that sometimes friends that you would literally bet your life on are not friends after all.  Those last two posts were definitely cathartic and I think have at least begun the process of healing and moving on but I think they lacked something that is normally present in my posts.  What is that?  Where is the positive spin?  Does this mean I have finally been beaten down by life and illness and people and you can no longer count on me for my positive outlook in the face of adversity?

No it is back!

Beaten down for a couple of weeks by a fellow Christian but I am returning and telling the world how great it is to be home bound with a chronic illness that has taken your old life.  I think the preceding might have been a slight exaggeration.  That being said things are better this week and a lot of that is how you look at it.  Out of the broken friendship of the past my wife and I have discovered that two friends that we thought were fun and entertaining and decent folk where in fact fantastic folk that could be relied on when times are bad.  These people are the salt of the earth and have supported my wife and I during this time of change.  Now onto it!

Does God open a window when he closes a door?  I think that is a load of crap right a long with God will never give you more than you can bear.  People are given more than they can bear all the time and sometimes they break from the load and there is not a door or window in sight for them to escape through.  During the first year after I was diagnosed there was an article in the local Salt Lake City paper about a man with Sarcoidosis who had killed himself.  I remember the article said that his condition was not immediately life threatening at the time and his reasons for suicide were unknown.  I have never met the man but I could guess with 87% certainty why he killed himself.

It is the truth that no doctor and no support group and very few people will ever say; your life did end the day you were diagnosed.  Whatever your life was before you were sick has been lost as surely as you had died and no truer words were ever spoken.  Was the last statement full of hyperbole?  Yes, yes, yes and no, no, no.  Is being alive with a chronic illness better than being dead?  I think so and I live my life to enjoy the fact I am alive and as that continues I also find the need to do the proverbial good so to speak but that is for another post.  There are other times that I think that my life is over and that it is time to kill myself and I am only a burden to those I love and the world around me.

I enjoy my wife waking me at 5:30 am to ask me if I want to get up, the answer is usually no but I enjoy hearing her voice and to know I am loved and that I love her in return.  Later that day when I finally wake to be awake for the day I sit on the bed with pain sitting next to me.  Pain woke me up and unlike my wife will not leave me alone if I need more sleep.  As we sit there together on the bed and I think about how pain has been my constant companion for the last four years and is likely to be a companion that will never desert me I think that my life has been lost and the suicide would just be the final formality.

That last two paragraphs got a little dark and kind of made the same point and they do not sound positive but let us take a step back.  Each day my life is a wonder and joyful beyond description and each day my life is torture and awful beyond description.  This is true for everyone, some days there is a little more wonder than torture and some days there is more torture than wonder.  I have a wonderful friend that comes over and gives me gossip about people I do not know.  I love gossip and I know it is an ugly vice but I love it.  Sometimes during the gossip she might complain about a situation or a person and she will stop herself and say this does not compare with what I am going through and it doesn't but what I am going through does not compare with what she is going through.

Still a little dark but the point is coming.

I hate to break it to people but life is not a contest to see who is the happiest and it is not a contest to see who is the most miserable.  Everyone's life is a snowflake and is unique but that is as far as the simile goes because some people have some ugly lives and snowflakes are not ugly.  I digress.  My life did end when I was diagnosed but there was another life there to be lived and I choose to live that life. I do not judge anyone that does not want the new life and decides to kill themselves.  The new life can be hard and awful and foreign but I hope that if your life has just ended that you try living your new life.  You reach out and ask for help and remember you can not know how much wonder and joy will be in the new life but there will be some wonder and joy and I submit that it is worth it to live the new life and look for that wonder and joy everyday.

First point made and I will tie up some intellectual lose ends in the next post also there will be a Part 3 to Does Jesus Hate Me and Homosexuals but I could not bear to write it this week.