Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Marshall Protocol (Chasing the Cure) Part 1

Once you have had sarcoidosis for a while and the first line treatments fail you will start looking or maybe more accurately you will start chasing a cure.  After all TV and movies have taught us that medical science can conquer all!  The internet is a popular choice for chasing cures and once you begin your internet searches it is only a matter of time before you run across two things, The Marshall Protocol and The Sarcoidosis Cookbook.  The Sarcoidosis Cookbook I can address very quickly, eating healthy can't hurt but it ain't gonna cure you and as for the Marshall Protocol I am not sure I have all the answers but I am going to give it a shot.

The Marshall Protocol is a treatment regime originally created for sarcoidosis by Trevor Marshall, hence the name.  He is an Australian that was diagnosed with sarcoidosis in the 70's sometime, I can't remember the exact time and trust me it is not relevant.  Anywho is was quite fortunate that Trevor Marshall was a doctor and was able to turn his knowledge towards finding a cure for sarcoidosis.  The previous sentence was sarcasm, Trevor Marshall does not have a medical degree.

Trevor Marshall was an electrical engineer before he was diagnosed.  I have a great deal of respect for electrical engineers, it is a highly specialized field that requires intelligence and discipline, especially to receive a PHD.  I don't have a problem with an electrical engineer bringing his skills and knowledge to try and cure a disease he has, in fact often a fresh perspective is just what is needed.  What I do have a problem with is a person that represents themselves as a doctor to people with a disease and does not make it clear he is not a medical doctor.

I have witnessed many online fights about Trevor Marshall and whether he is "qualified" to research sarcoidosis.  I do not have a side when it comes down to whether or not he is "qualified" but I think it is disingenuous of him not to make it clear that he is not a medical doctor.  I can not think of legitimate reason why he does not make this clear.  If you can think of a legitimate reason I will be happy to give you credit and insert that legitimate reason here.

This concludes part one and I know that was short and sweet but I do not want to get into the weeds with the people arguing about everything he has done in his life and whether that makes him a good person or not.  You can make anyone look like an ass if you only present certain parts of their lives and edit it in a non flattering way.  For example I have been married three times and my two ex wives are not very fond of me, okay that was a bad example I can't think of a positive way to spin that unless you say I never give up?

Not so super secret post script:

This post is shorter than others I have recently posted.  Theoretically that is on purpose and not because I am lazy.  I am going to try and present one point at a time and keep the posts shorter than War and Peace.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


I have started to write this blog post four different times, this being the fourth.  The first three are finished and by that I mean they convey ideas in a concise, well as concise as I can write, fashion but they are all talking around what I really want to say.  I am scared to say what I want to say and I hate that fear is preventing me from doing anything.  Is fear is going to determine what I say?  I don't know.

Sarcoidosis is a disease of the immune system.  At one point when people asked me what sarcoidosis effected I would tell them my immune system and all though that is a concrete answer most people do not have a tangible understanding of their immune systems and hence it was actually a nebulous answer.  So after a while I began to list off the parts of my body that where effected by my defective immune system.  At this point I think that most people thought of it as a disease that effected certain parts of my body rather than a disease of my immune system.

The immune system is present everywhere in your body, a disease of the immune system can effect anywhere, anywhere.

The last four years of traveling the sea of sickness have been varied.  At any given moment things may be calm and then seemingly out of nowhere the sea becomes choppy.  This next little bit I am not sure whether I have shared in the past or not but I am about to share it now.  I am sicker now than I was four years ago and I will probably get sicker every year going forward and at some point I will probably die from sarcoidosis.  I have come to peace with that.

More people than I would have expected have told me they have been inspired by how I have handled being sick.  I do not want to disillusion anyone but I do have bad days.  I have not taken a survey of everything I have posted to Facebook, Twitter, or my blog but it has been positive for the most part.  I came to that conclusion because I do not think anyone would be inspired by me if I was constantly bitching about my circumstances.

Last week was not good and this week has not been much better.  As time has gone on new parts of my body have joined in the sarcoidosis revolt.  I have had cognitive issues for a while and to be honest I am not sure how long ago that while is.  I know I was still working so probably within the last couple of years.  The cause of my cognitive problems were never pinned down.  There were lots of possible culprits from drug side effects to my endocrine system and of course maybe the brain.

I am not going to go in to all the detail about the saga of when I first experienced cognitive issues but I will touch on some highlights.  Losing what I would loosely call my mind was/is shitty and scary.  It is not like the TV show House, the cause of my cognitive issues back then were never discovered.  Then it got better to the point where I could function again and none of the doctors were really interested at that point.  I have had a neurologist for a long time because of the nerve damage caused by the sarcoidosis but even he was like it is really hard to track down a cause of cognitive problems if they are not happening right now. 

The first time I went to a doctor because of brain issues was due to an email.  I knew I had been having some trouble for a while but what figuratively drove me to the doctor was an email I sent to a coworker that was gibberish.  My coworker replied to my message that he did not understand what I was saying.  Once I read the email again it was obvious to me that something was wrong but I do not know what.  Again it was so scary and so shitty that when it got better to where I could function I was more than happy to write it off as a side effect of some drug and let it go just like my doctors did.  Anyway what are the chances that sarcoidosis would be affecting my brain?

Secret side note it is terrifying down to your bones to think that anything is effecting your brain, your brain is who you are.  It is fine to think that a disease has influenced how you think about things but nobody wants to think about a disease damaging your brain and changing who you are.

The reality of life and more accurately death is even if the odds of something are very slim it is still  possible or the odds would be zero.  It is almost inconceivable to think of someone being killed by lightening or a great white shark and the odds are so slim that most people think of it as an impossibility.  That is how I viewed the chances of sarcoidosis effecting my brain, as an impossibility.

Secret side note The Nile is not just a river in Egypt.  I may have been in denial about the effects of sarcoidosis on my brain, may have.

Get ready I am about to get to the point or in this case the question I want the answer to but first the actual events that were the impetus of this post.  I deactivated my Facebook account during a panic attack.  I messaged one friend with my email address and then without a public word I shut down my Facebook account.  For people that have not had a panic attack it is a difficult to understand.  What I felt was the sense of impending demise and doom that was crushing me.  Since I have been ill I have been close to death in a real tangible way twice and having a panic attack feels worse than the feeling of actually dying.  It is terrifying to be terrified by irrational emotions and for me it was made worse because I knew they were irrational but that did not effect how "real" they seemed.

Facebook has been a lifeline for me, a way I am able to interact with the world outside.  That day the thought of being able to see everyone's post coming through in real time and that everyone also had the ability to instantly message me was overwhelming.  I thought as though this would somehow cause my death and the thought of dying, well it is hard to describe.  Like I said before I have made my peace with death and while I am not anxious to head on out as it were.  I know death is coming for us all and for me he is probably going to take the sarcoidosis train. Those facts do not make me anxious.  Facebook's ability to convey information in real time and that somehow causing my death made me anxious.  I know that is not rational and that changes nothing.

Anywho a couple of days went by and I had returned to a rational but still anxious state and my God parent tried to get a hold of me.  I had CCed her on an email to my Deacon at one point and just assumed she had my email address and I knew she had my phone number.  The beautiful, kind and sensitive lady that she is she sent a message to my wife to find out how I was doing because she was worried.  Once this was brought to my attention another thought occurred to me, what if I was causing pain to other people that care about me by my sudden and unexplained departure from Facebook.  I realized that relationships come with certain responsibilities.

I know I am a little old to just be realizing relationships come with responsibilities but as some of you may know I had a lot of issues growing up and it would be fair to say I was an asshole for the most part until I met my current wife.  The point being that it is only recently that I have had a significant number of friends because in the past I was an asshole.  What is this paragraph about?  It is about me making excuses why it did not occur to me to let everyone know I was okay and I just needed a break from Facebook.  I apologize, there are no good excuses and sincerely to everyone who has taken the time to be a part of my life I am sorry I did not consider all of you.

Once I had this epiphany I reactivated my Facebook account and wrote my last blog post and I added a comment on Facebook that was more candid and direct about my brain damage and the panic attack than would normally be in my character.  I was not raised in a friendly environment and any sign of weakness was used against me.  It was hard for me to lay out that I was not only physically weakened by sarcoidosis but that my brain, my mind, the core of who I am had been effected as well.  That was the most difficult communication I have ever made.  I did it and I was proud that I was honest with people I had relationships with.  No more lies of omission, full disclosure.

Secret side note the following may seem like a passive aggressive way of communicating that I was unhappy with people that messaged me on Facebook, that is not the case.  From my past experience with most people when this type of question is asked of them directly they immediately become defensive and a fight ensues fairly quickly and on the other hand if I ask it in this way I find that the guilty parties often think I did not mean them and they answer.  I am not making any judgements about this behavior, it is what it is, I am sincerely trying to get answers.

On Facebook I added a comment with the blog post that although my Facebook had been reactivated to please contact me through email that I would not be responding to Facebook.Everyone probably just went I bet I know what is coming next and I am guessing that you are guessing correctly.  Immediately people started sending me private messages on Facebook and I felt like I had to respond, I know that is irrational but that is what I felt.  I communicated that they should email me that the private messaging was freaking me out.  First question: a few people stopped sending me Facebook messages but never sent me an email, why did they not email me?

Next there were a second group of people that even after I requested they email me they continued to send me private messages on Facebook.  Second question, why did this group ignore my individual message to them to stop using Facebook and to send an email instead?

I feel a welling up of anxiety at this point, like a glass of water that is just barely overfilled and the surface tension is all that is keeping that water in the glass.  I am going to continue but it is hard, it is frightening to reveal that I am vulnerable.

Anywho what follows is some of my guesses as to what happened and I am hoping that someone will tell me I am wrong because if I am right I do not like the answers.  For group one I think it is possible they did not read my comment carefully, they did not think it applied to them or they thought I made the post and deactivated Facebook for attention and they were giving me what they thought I wanted.  I will be honest I am not a big fan of any of these answers but I can not think of any other reasons.  The answer for the second group are the same now that I think about it except that since they ignored my message I am leaning towards the second group thought I was asking for attention.

Part of the reason I write this blog is for attention.  Not the kind of Munchhausen attention of people feeling sorry for me but the kind of attention that indicates I am part of the world of men.  That no matter how alone or hard the journey seems that all mankind are brothers and sisters and there is someone in India that was touched by my blog and I am part of them.  That person in India will always have that part of me and I am not alone and part of the whole.  Do I think that I will change the world with this blog?  Maybe I will change the world if you believe in the Butterfly Effect like Lorentz but I know I am not making big changes but I am just like Ringo Starr being in the Beatles, I am happy to be along for the ride and part of the group.

Secret Post Script

Everything I write on this blog is true, I may leave out the bad parts a lot of the time and that does skew it towards the positive but now I have made full disclosure and everyone is aware that chances are things are shittier than I say they are here in my blog, Hell even I get tired of my own bitching.

Super Secret Post Post Script

I have spoken with my neurologist and my pulmonologist and we are doing what can be done and as I stated before it is not like House.  I am taking massive doses of steroids and my aches and pains are fading my brain has become more spewy, meaning that a lot of stuff comes out when I write but it is crap and hard to keep a handle on.  Actual writing is still hard and in much the same way now there are just reams and reams of it to try and post.  The steroids have helped my anxiety but it is still there and it is still new and I will not be the same.  There has been damage done to the old brain but as my doctors remind me if the active disease function can be stopped the brain has an amazing way of finding new ways to get things done.

The next bit is uncomfortable.  The doctors have never been able to stop the active disease function and we have tried every drug there is even a little bit of science on.  The last time I spoke with my doctor he was asking if on the online support group I am in there had been any talk about new drugs being tried.  I have not made a decision if I am going to take drugs based on the dart hitting the dart board method of selection but even if I do... I am probably going to get sicker and sicker and I will no longer be the person you know.

If you would like to continue on with me during my final walk down the way I will always do my best to look on the bright side and to be funny and ironic and sardonic like I have always been but in a real tangible way I am becoming a sick person.  Not just in body but in mind and I can not imagine what that will mean.  We all have read Plato or some synopsis of Plato in a text book so we know self is ever changing but we usually have a pretty good idea what self we will be tomorrow.  I do not know what self I will be and honestly no one knows what self they will be tomorrow but they have the illusion they do, I do not have that illusion.

In the end maybe Plato was full of crap and Aristotle is right but you know what I am going with Plato on this one.

ADDED CONTENT I am not kicking off anytime soon as far as myself or my doctors know!

I wish all of you fifteen minutes of peace followed by another fifteen minutes of peace.  If you do not love yourself change what you can and forgive the rest and do love yourself, then love another person following much the same pattern and then think that we are all star stuff and marvel and enjoy the universe.  Things could always be worse, what if I had not grown up with Carl Sagan?  I certainly would not have enjoyed my life as much as I have.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Panic Attacks and Bleeding (Not at the same time, well sometimes at the same time) (Hey maybe do not eat while reading this either)

Sarcoidosis is a funny beast or I should say my sarcoidosis is a funny beast.  Sarcoidosis is usually boring and not really funny or beast.  Most of the time sarcoidosis behaves in a predictably mild way but there are always outliers even if you think the world conforms to the Bell Curve.  Once you start talking about the outliers in the world of sarcoidosis you are talking about diversity, a community of individuals.  That was fun to write, I like words, anywho the point being that my sarcoidosis is my sarcoidosis and my medical team has reached the point where there is no data, there are no educated guesses, and in fact the best we are shooting for now is informed guesses.

You may now be asking yourself what does that preamble have to do with the title?  The answer is simple, I do not know, I am hoping it will tie in before I am done writing.

I sleep laying on a blanket I place on top of my sheet.  Over the past four years of being sick various substances have leaked out of my body during the night and now for easy clean up the blanket is in place.  This morning I woke up to a bloody blanket and it was not bloody like a had a bloody nose in the night bloody but horror film bloody, actually the more I think about it, it was probably more a thriller film bloody and not a horror film bloody.  Standing next to my bed it definitely looked like a crime had been committed.

Sarcoidosis effects my skin and rather than get all technical I will give you a few easy ways to picture it.  The first way it effects my skin is I have skin lesions that look like a really bad rash and having had some really bad rashes (I prefer not to talk about those details) they feel like a really bad rash.  They will ooze and fester, that was also fun to write.  I do not think they actually fester and truthfully I can not remember what fester means but I love saying it in my head, fester fester fester.  Anywho they itch like crazy, to the point you want to take a garden rake to them but don't scratch them not even with your nails.  What happens if you do?  Well apparently the rash is just the top manifestation and there is damage through all the layers of my skin and if you scratch they bleed.  They bleed like someone does when they are being scarified in a movie (I was left to my own devices as a child and my own devices started with Hammer Horror and went from there).  They bleed like a hose put on a trickle to water some plants and direct pressure does not seem to be doing in the trick but it is hard to tell because you are still scratching them.  I would rather be in pain than itch like that, it literally tested my sanity.

At this point I do not really have problems with my type one lesions anymore.  They always occurred on my shins and at this point I have a four inch by six inch scar on each of my shins.  When those lesions flare up now so to speak the scars will raise a quarter to a half an inch and it kind of bothers me but there are not a lot of itching sensors left in my shins so I can tell something is going on but not enough to distract me from my other symptoms.  When the flares are really bad my scars will open and bleed a little even today but not like the good old days of first being ill and not enough to cause my morning crime scene.

As I see this blog post lengthen I am going to be quick about the next two types of skin lesions and kind of lump them together.  I get two different kinds of lesions on my torso and my non shin legs (mostly by my hips close to the torso).  They are different but they are the same.  They both seem to eat me from the inside but in a more subtle way, there is no itching.  At some point (that point varies from lesion to lesion) they will begin to bother me and it is hard to describe.  It kind of feels like an insect walking across your skin but the insect is going around in a circle in one spot on your skin but it does not feel like an insect and you go to investigate because you can not tell what it is.  Those words were not fun to write, that description is not right and I can not find the right words.  Maybe the way this feels has not been described in the English language before or maybe my derivative writing style can not muster the vocabulary necessary to describe them but either way that will have to do.

They usually occur in places that are not easily viewed by my naked eye (or my eyes with glasses on  for that matter) and I will reach to feel what is going and it is like a volcano BOOM!!!!  I will bring my hand up and there will be blood and bits of tissue and there is a hole left in my torso or legs sometimes as a big as a golf ball!!!!  That is right exclamation points!!!!!  These holes will bleed and bleed until they do not feel like bleeding anymore and my efforts to stop the bleeding have little effect or maybe no effect and I am just kidding myself.

One time when I was still working I went to the bathroom, wait for it, wait for it and I sat down to use the facilities and my underwear was red with blood.  One of my lesion friends had exploded with me none the wiser.  Now I am sitting there doing my business that I came to the bathroom to do, thank goodness it was a single bathroom and I was not in a stall, and I am thinking about how to proceed in this situation.  I grab some paper towels and line my underwear to form a makeshift adult diaper designed to catch my blood.  I am not usually thankful for being fat but this time I was, nobody was going to notice I had a roll of paper towels in my pants and no that is not a sex thing.

Then I proceed to perform first aid on my new found hole.  It is bleeding and after ten minutes of direct pressure I am thinking that somebody might need to use the bathroom and I better just go with what I had to go with at that time.  At that time I had a bleeding hole and some paper towels, I tore off some paper towels and shoved into the whole thinking that if I sat still it would give something for the blood to coagulate around and I could get through work.  Now before you deride this idea who has not shoved some toilet paper up their nose to stop a bloody nose?  Now you might be telling yourself that a bloody nose is not the same as a bleeding hole in your leg and it turns out you would be right.

I did make it until the end of the day and when I stood up to go home everything felt wet.  I had black jeans on, thank God, and I sat on a black vinyl chair, thank God but even with those two factors working towards me I was panicked because there was a pool of blood in my chair and even though my pants were black I thought I might drip blood from my saturated Levi's.  What did I do?  I searched my cubicle that I had never really gone through since I had come to occupy it and I found a dusty roll of toilet paper and you know what?  It was beautiful and I was able to get out to my car and all was good with the world, bleeding embarrassment avoided.  As I write this I am not sure why I have included this tale of woe but I do not care it is included and it is not going to be excluded BOOM!!!!

I think you the reader has probably ascertained that I have been bleeding for a while and like a lucky MacGyver I find away to fix whatever problem the blood may bring.  Which leads us to today.  This morning when I saw that blood I had a panic attack.  Not because there was blood on the blanket, not because I was bleeding but for a reason I could not readily describe to you.  Does that sound irrational, maybe a little crazy?  Yes, boom?  I guess I would probably not have been panicking if the feeling was rational.  This blog post has become way to lengthy so Google the symptoms of a panic attack if you want and just be aware my experience is pretty typical.

You ever see that bumper sticker or T-shirt that reads of all the things I have lost I miss my mind the most?  In the past I never thought it was particularly funny but now I find it hilarious in an ironic kind of way not really laugh out loud kind of way.  A couple of weeks back I was complaining about how hard writing had become but now that does not seem to be that big an issue, now don't get me wrong I still can't write and this little post here took me eight hours to spit out and contains no editing but it does not seem that important when you can feel the pressure of an anxiety attack forming and you know there is no reason for it but it still keeps coming.

I shut down my Facebook account because I felt like it was crushing me under its enormous weight and I have shut down everything but my email and phone.  I will use email still but chances are I will not answer the phone when someone calls and chances are even greater that I will not pick up the phone and make a call.  I don't want to leave the house and if I was feeling better physically I would be in a blanket fort as I am typing this.  I had every intention of shutting down this blog but it is terrifying me like any other contact with the outside world but I got an email from a friend of mine today.  She said she had been inspired by my blog and had made changes in her life for the positive because of what I write here.  She inspired me and all though my hands are trembling and it feels like some giant is crushing me in his hand, I do feel a little victory now that this done.

All of the things I have lost I miss my mind the most and I am discovering there is something new to lose everyday, cognitive, emotional and I am literally terrified to find out what I can lose next but I have friends who care and I will post this to Facebook and tell everyone why I will not be around on the social media but well, ummh I am scared to do that but I will.  I have friends that care about me and even though it is hard I care about my friends.

(My wife will fix most of the crap mistakes later so if you read this and it makes pretty good sense I need to thank her, I am also terrified to be with anyone including her but she really cares about me and she will hold me when the terror comes and for a few moments love does conquer all)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Doctor Today (Short and Sweet because I am tired)

I have not talked in detail about my current symptoms or what kind of treatments I have been on for quite some time.  When I started this blog my intent was pretty simple, I wanted to tell the story of how sarcoidosis has effected me and by doing so help myself and others.  I thought the blog would mostly be about treatments and doctors with a little pinch of how with the help of my wife and Jesus I managed to keep my head up and keep slogging along with a smile on my face.

At the beginning I kept to that format but over time it has become a once a week journal that whatever is at the forethought of my mind is what gets put down into words.  I have chronic and refractory sarcoidosis so being sick does come up in my weekly foray into the old noggin but it is no longer the direct focus.  When you look at the title and the first couple of paragraphs I know you must be thinking finally he is getting back to some treatment tips and tricks.  That is not the case.

Today I am four years and a couple of months into the sarcoidosis saga.  There are still no drugs approved by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) for the treatment of sarcoidosis and I have taken all the drugs that are recommended by the experts and that brings us to my appointment today.  Two months ago is the last time I saw my doctor and we had decided that it might be time to get off as many drugs as possible in an attempt to differentiate between side effects of drugs and symptoms of sarcoidosis.

I was disappointed to find out that they were all symptoms.  I am usually not deluded, well at least not about being sick.  My hope was that I was no longer sick and that when we stopped the drugs I would start feeling well, maybe even good and we would find all my complaints were just a horrible set of side effects from the drugs I was taking and that the sarcoidosis had gone into remission.  What did I find at the end of the drug free rainbow?

I found that my complaints are the result of either sarcoidosis or as a yet to be diagnosed disease to be named later.  Things are looking a little dark right now and I would like to inject the light of hope.  I have not given up hope and if anything I am more hopeful now than I was before I was sick.  My wife has held to her wedding vows and stands by me in sickness everyday regardless of the toll it takes on her.  For the record that is not a hyperbolic statement to jazz up my blog post but simply the beautiful truth about the lovely lady that is my wife.

What my wife does would be impossible for me to accomplish and she amazes me daily.  I will talk about my wife more in the future but I must stop now or this post will not be finished today.  I also have some amazing friends and family that on good day wash away the troubles of the day and help to furnish smiles for my wife and I.  I have faith in God and I hope that my life is useful in his plans and I do not foresee that hope abandoning me.  Hope insertion complete, enjoy the light!

The final paragraph is here and I will finally get to my doctors appointment.  I must first reiterate how exceptional my pulmonologist is as a doctor and a person, he is exceptional.  My doctor and my wife are concerned about my quality of life, I think that is because I have indicated my quality of life is low.  Don't get me wrong I have things to live for and enjoy everyday but I would love to be able to go to a museum or a movie without a huge amount of suffering.  I wish that suffering was not the correct word to describe what an outing of any kind brings me but it is the correct word.  The suffering is enough these days that I only leave the house for Mass and doctors appointments.

I was wrong but I swear this is the final paragraph.  My exceptional doctor is going to do some research and try and to come up with a treatment.  He is going to read a lot of papers in medical journals and try to choose the best experimental treatment.  He cares, he is going to read all those papers to help me.  More than likely he will never use that knowledge for any other patient.  That is a good doctor.  I will keep everyone informed of what we are going to try next.  Remember to have hope.  Most people are good and I know God is good and in between those things I just try and have happy thoughts.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

WASP! (A lesson learned from spending time with my dad, whom I still love and miss)

In 1980 my dad purchased a black Datsun king cab pickup new from the dealer.  My father was a frugal man and he did not see any reason to purchase air conditioning.

I was twelve in the summer of 1985.  My dad and I were headed north on I-15 just outside of Ogden Utah.  It was hot and we had the windows rolled down.  The temperature was in the upper 90's but cruising at 60 mph we were comfortable.

To break up this idyllic scene a wasp flew in through the drivers side window.  It was flying around inside that tiny cab of that tiny pickup.  My dad immediately began instructing me to stay calm and that if we stayed calm the wasp would have no reason to sting us.  Then the wasp landed on my dads thigh.

He again instructs me to stay calm.  I am getting agitated and as I side note to add a little more flavor to this story, I am/was terrified of insects and arachnids.  At this point there is a sudden and violent disturbance in the force.  My dads hand comes off the steering wheel with lightening speed and he struck his thigh.  After a moment my breathing returned to normal and I had recovered from the shock and I looked over at my father and said "I thought you said if we remain calm it wouldn't sting?"

My dad says "Sometimes you get stung." and then he just starts laughing and laughing.  If you have not read my other blog posts about my dad you do not know about his laugh.  His laugh was the purest translation of joy into sound that there could be.

What is the moral of the story of the wasp and the truck with no air conditioning?  That there is pain in life and sometimes that can not be avoided, sometimes the decisions we make effect the future but we can rarely anticipate what all those effects will be, and last but not least if you have someone to share a laugh with none of that matters and there is joy in life.

I don't get squishy much but I like to say I appreciate everyone who reads this blog.  It makes me think that my selfish ramblings may help other people.  May God bless each and every one of you and may a little peace come over you tonight right when you are trying to fall asleep.  Remember you can pray for small things and some days small things are big things.