Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Normal Truth (This is another of the blog posts I wrote while I was panicked a few weeks back)

I have started writing this blog post three different times with three different titles and the panic seems to be good for one thing: writing.  This first two blog posts I wrote were pretty good and they were completely truthful and represent part of me on the page but in a sense they were a lie.  I am confused and I want someone to explain everything to me.  Upon reflection I am scared and I do not want to know anything.

I will get to why I am scared later, actually I can't say that, I do not know whether I will get to it at all.  I have written two complete blog posts without saying what I thought I wanted to say and without questioning what I wanted to question.

Last week panic had built to impending sense of death sitting on my chest and staring me in the eyes level.  There is a movie called The Unbearable Lightness Of Being, this was the unbearable weight of irrational fears coming down on my head like being under the ocean at 9 atmospheres of pressure.  Truth right now I am trembling as I write this.

I have flirted with panic all day, it comes slowly like boiling a frog but turning the temperature up slowly so the frog does not notice.  At this point I have just realized I am in a pot and the water of panic is bubbling around me and I can not breath and I am almost drowning.  The fear is going to reach from the deep like Cthulhu and pull me down.  I am taking shallow breathes when I know they should be deep.  Everything is tenuous and I am scared.  It is like being trapped in a web from one of those crazy spiders from The Hobbit.

Last week I deactivated my Facebook account.  Every message, every notification seemed like a tentacle from Cthulhu pulling me down to where the sun does not penetrate (I hate to use the same simile twice but Cthulhu seems to be an easy way to convey my dread).  I felt I could get a respite from the panic by deactivating my Facebook account.  Facebook is the way I get 80% of my social interactions.  Sarcoidosis limits my ability to leave the house and hence the alarming statistic of 95% of my social interactions are online has come to light.

The weight of interacting with everyone I know felt like someone had hamstrung me.  I felt I could get some control over my head if I deactivated my Facebook account and I did.  My last action before I did was to message a friend of mine that I had reconnected with other ways for her to contact me (My email, phone number, and snail mail address).  They have been supportive in a real tangible way and I had found that conversing with her always increased my peace quotient for the day.

Post Script

I went ahead and published this today for a couple of reasons.  Reason number one enough time has passed to give me distance from the events and I feel more comfortable sharing them.  Reason number two and some people might call this the real reason is I am having a hell of time getting what is going on right now and how I feel about it down on "paper".  It might also be stated that what is making it to "paper" is not the kindest stuff I have ever written.  Having emotions can really suck.