Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Not A Passive Aggressive Letter To My Sister

This post is not passive aggressive, other than in the obvious way that I am posting on a blog instead of talking to someone in person.

This is to my sister (not the one in the hospital).  I told her that I was not going to write another blog post about her and at the time I said it I had no intention to do so.  I am going to switch it up here and write an open letter to my sister.

Sister when you were last at my house you brought up a blog post that I had mentioned you in.  It was from quite a while ago and was surprised that it affected you that it was still in forefront of your mind.  When I sat down this morning to write a few things that had been simmering since your arrival and departure into and from the city of salt, I wanted to communicate with you and it seemed obvious that it should be a blog post because it gets through to you.

My first impulse was to dissect every slight and wrong that I felt you had committed and get deep down into the semantics and have a really satisfying fight/argument with you in a public forum so neither of us can place a spin on the results.  I did indeed write two blog posts prior to this one that were angry and full of detail and then all of the sudden I wasn't angry anymore.

Dad is dead and mom and I are not far behind him.

I have to prioritize now and being angry with you is a waste of time for us both.

 I do not know you very well.  I am six years younger than you and was only twelve when you escaped our family.  That is how I think about you going away to college when you were eighteen and I am in no way implying that is how you feel but that is how I felt/feel.

As adults I would not claim to know you, that does not mean I do not love and care about you as my sister but we have not had a relationship as an adult.  From my perspective this is not an attack just a statement of fact.  I will not assign blame as to the who or why that is the case just that it is the case.

I love to exaggerate to tell a humorous story, I like to see people smile and feel like I am a positive part of their lives.  I do not exaggerate about my health, in many ways I am still in denial about how the illness has effected me and that being said when I talk about my health no matter how bleak I am sugar coating it for myself.  I do not know the a word that means the opposite of exaggerate but that would be what I do about my health.

We are not close, you do not share your secrets with me and I do not share my secrets with you and neither of us is going to live long enough for that to be the case but what could happen going forward is we set aside our preconceived notions and stop expecting each other to understand the meaning that is implied by the words we say, we do not know each other well enough for that.  Lets treat each other like the strangers we are, I am not angry twelve year old and you are not a awkward eighteen year old theater geek.  That is what we where the last time we were together for any amount of time, that was thirty years ago and I am thinking we both might have changed since then.