Thursday, September 25, 2014

I can not see clearly out of my right eye but I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can't see clearly out of my right eye, it happens or I should say that it has happened before. I am not a doctor but I play one in my head so I will go ahead and give you a self diagnosis, uveitis. Now you may be asking yourself how did I get in this great big house but you are probably wondering what uveitis is and I hate to disappoint, uveitis is the inflammation of the part of your eye that gives it color. Now you can Google that shit if you want to get in depth but for the sake of the words I am laying down that definition is sufficient.

Uveitis left untreated can cause blindness and shhhh don't tell anyone this next part, sometimes if you have some rare shitty manifestation of a rare disease it can cause blindness with treatment. Anywho it is really annoying as I try and write this because I do not have an eye patch or the ganas to make an eye patch so if I want to see the screen clearly I have to close my right eye. Now I know before you get up in my grill with these are first world problems, yes I understand that I would probably be dead if I lived in a third world country or during a zombie apocalypse but that does not change the suckiness of it.

You may have noticed that the first two paragraphs are written in my usual style, I would call it caustic but most would call it bitching and moaning but wait for it.... even with one eye closed things seem clear to me. Things are clearer than they have been since I was first diagnosed with sarcoidosis. I am in the process of converting to Catholicism (Roman) and I attend a class each Sunday after Mass. The class is taught by a Deacon from my local Parrish and on the way from Mass to class I mentioned to the Deacon that I was feeling separate from God, not that I had lost faith but I was feeling separate, that there was a space between God and myself that was not their before.

I also mentioned that coming up on five years of being ill (and not in a good 90's kind of way) that it was wearing me down and that I was concerned my suffering was serving no purpose. In Catholicism you can offer you suffering up with suffering of Christ, there is a larger explanation that you can go Google for yourself because as usual I am to lazy to Google it myself and provide a link. I asked the Deacon if he had any reading recommendations and he suggested the book A Rise From Darkness by Father Benedict Groeschel.

Once I got home I set about ordering the ebook, there was one small problem, I could not remember the name of the book.  I remembered the name of the author and that he had written it after he had been hit by a car and I came up with a book entitled There Are No Accidents.  I read the book in a day.  The reason the speed I read the book is significant is I have been unable to read more than a couple of paragraphs.  What usually happens is I get one or two paragraphs in and then I can not remember what I have read and I have to start over, also the reading is slow going.  I usually have a hard time putting the words together into sentences so they make sense in my head.

I think that last paragraph may have been belaboring the point but you get the idea of how things were.  Before I was sick reading was a joy in my life and to be able to read and a book, any book, was wonderful.  I look back over what I have written and it seems like a three year old trying to articulate his thoughts.  I want to say it was a window out from the grey institution of being sick to look out on a world of color that I think I remember but I am not sure was ever real but here it is plain in front of me.

I don't want to throw around the word miracle and I wont in this case but the joy of reading again was a gift.  Then there is the content of the book.  There are two parts to the book, first an interview with the author before the accident and then his thoughts why he was in the hospital recovering from the accident.  I found the words of this humble Priest that had preached about suffering so often and now was faced with practicing what he had preached.  He did not fall short and his words opened another window for me, it was a spiritual window.  I have no words for this window but I will say I no longer feel separate from God and I can see clearly now the rain has gone.