Friday, October 3, 2014

Early Morning Flu or When is it time to go to the Hospital? I don't know but my wife probably does!

Late Sunday night or early Monday morning, at this point that is not clear to me because the events of that night are shrouded in mystery, it was the fog of flu (as opposed to the fog of war) and the only thing that was clear was that I was a victim of the flu. By 4:00 am I knew the war of the flu was going to be serious.

I was not sure how long the war of the flu would last and this was my only solace.

That previous statement on hindsight seems to be a little to hyperbolic even for me.  First there is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the Roman Catholic Church.  It comes up every now and then but on a serious note my conversion process to the Roman Catholic church has been trans-formative in a positive way.  The insight that I have gained from my Deacon (I don't own him but you know what I mean he is mine) and the Saints (not the football team, I like the Bronocs regardless of names) and contemporary Priests and Bishops have had prescient insight about suffering and the good that comes from it (even if I can not see it).

Second my wife has saved my life on a daily basis since I married her, sometimes literally, sometimes emotionally, and definitely spiritually.

On the that Monday morning I had all those things and my outlook was dark, especially when I closed my eyes so I did not have to look at my projectile vomit. 

Side Note: My wife is wonderful that is all (not really but really) 

Let the narrative of the flu continue!  Somewhere on that Monday morning I was no longer able to get out of bed and I mean literally could not get out of bed and I am talking the old school definition of literally when it used to mean literally.  At another point that morning I lost the ability to form coherent sentences, I am probably not indicating the severity of the issue, I lost the ability to communicate.  From a layman's perspective I think I appeared like I was the victim of a stroke.  I wish I was saying that lightly, it must have been terrifying for my wife.

The incoherent moments would come and go, well sort of I guess it would be more accurate to say I was less incoherent at certain times than others and during these times I would say no every time my wife would ask if we should go to the hospital I would say no and shake my head.  There is some history there that will not be fleshed out here but I will get to sometime in the future or I won't one of the two but the point I am making is do not hold it against my wife, it is all on me.

My eyesight started to fade away to white like when you would turn the contrast knob on an old TV, I did not mention this to my wife.  I am not sure if it was I did not want to tell her or I was unable to tell her, looking back I was in bad shape and I should have gone to the hospital.   I have had a couple of other incidents when I was alone that I was much closer to death than I was Monday morning and I usually use the fact I am alive as an argument for why I did not need to go to the hospital, today I will not make that argument.

It is hard to argue against going to the hospital in the future when this time I was incapable of making a conscious rational decision based on the facts, my condition at the time precluded it.  My wife did not have a way to know this and it is unfair to put her in the position that my judgement should always override hers.  If anything she is probably more capable on a day to day basis of making decisions for me because she gets a more objective view of the situation.  It is a good thing I am getting baptized soon.

As Monday wore on my wife took care of me and watched me like a hawk as my breathing deteriorated and my fever went up and the vertigo kicked in and it seemed as though every inch of muscle and bone had been personally punched by those guys from The Fantastic Voyage, not to mention vomiting and too weak to get out of bed were still in the picture.  Through all that she was a rock.

What did the Flu (at least that is what I hope it was) from this week teach me?  My wife is awesome, she is so awesome that awesome is not an awesome enough word to describe her.  Also I learned it is unfair to through necessity force my wife to make more and more decisions (she has stepped up and been brilliant) and then cut her out of any input on whether I should go to the hospital or not.  If you are in a similar situation I hope you can have an honest conversation with your spouse about those decisions, I do not know how many spouses would feel better taking on a more active role or worse, I can see it both ways.

In my case it turns out I have been selfish and the selfishness has been de facto punitive action against my wife.  There are so few things that are really within my control (shhhh don't tell me there are actually no things within my control) why would I want to even unintentionally punish my wife?  The answer is I wouldn't in case anyone was wondering, I was going to leave that unanswered and end there but then I thought somebody will remember when I was not particularly nice in the past and be like I can see him intentionally punishing his wife he was kind of jerk.

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