Thursday, November 13, 2014

Today I Do Not Smell (Bad)

I promised a whole post about faith and saints and religion and my experience with the aforementioned.  That post is being written but I am finding that I am less than forth coming about those topics.  Trying to put words to the unwordable is hard and I have a self imposed stigma that surrounds my faith.


That being said, today I do not smell bad.  I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, I did fall short and forgo the beard oil but I did put on deodorant.  The last couple of weeks have been rough.  I have spent a lot of time smelling bad.  I spend a lot of time sitting and marshaling my physical and mental faculties so that I can leave the bed and arrive at the chair with the laptop so I can communicate with you all.  Do not worry no guilt trip, I communicate for all the wrong selfish reasons.

Today was a perfect storm (almost perfect) and I am writing and all I can smell is the gentle odor of sport fresh deodorant and an occasional cat fart.  As Ice Cube so brilliantly put it today was a good day, I mean today is a good day but then I wouldn't be quoting the song so I mean you know what I was going for there so I am just going to leave it and move on, now.

In a non-flippant way I would some how like to share what the tough times are like and how I make it through and go on with a smile.  The past four or five years I have had a pretty good idea of the combination of things that have kept me going.  Faith in Jesus Christ and the Roman Catholic Church, my beautiful wife, my ugly friends and last but not least the kindness of strangers.  I am thinking the flippant started coming out there towards the end..maybe.

I never had a Glass Menagerie but I did have a plastic one.

Those things do get me through but the last weeks have been dark, darker than a Tim Burton movie, darker than Donnie Darko, darker than that part of the movie Legend after the Unicorn is killed.  I am coming out of the darkness (knock on wood) and it feels as though I made it through by reflexes left in my lizard brain from childhood.  In the acuteness of the moment all the things that keep me going fell away and I just survived because that is what I have always done and that is what I know.

Over the long haul I have the faith that all life is sacred but when  push came to shove I did not kill myself because of the lofty spires of my faith it was instead something deep and primal.  Everything about life is beautiful even the pain and all of it is a gift.  I have been thinking it would have been nice to have the receipt and no I am not taking the metaphor where you think I am, I do not want to return my life but I was thinking maybe I could exchange the pain parts for something else.

I am not sure what I would exchange the pain for.  The limits of humanity are such that after five years I am having a hard time remembering the nostalgia of the past and my imagination has found its limits as well and I am left with a thought.  Even if I could exchange the pain would it only be for store credit and what would I exchange it for?  Is there something else I would be interested in?  Can I order from the catalog and have it delivered to the store or I am limited to what is on hand?  Life is full of questions or I guess I should say my life is full of questions.

When I ask myself what is good today, I do have an answer to that question, I do not smell (bad).

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