Tuesday, March 17, 2015

If Someone Asks You What You Have Been Doing Sometimes The Whole Truth So Help You God May Be Too Much

This is a post I started a few years ago and never finished, well at least until now (sinister laugh, provide your own sound effects).

I have not been able to work now for over a year.  When people meet me it is like there is some Harry Potteresque sorting hat that divides them into two camps, the people that like me and the people that do not.  If I was a writer I would add some fancy nuance to that statement but I am not as much a writer as I am man who types the first thing that comes to mind for better or worse.

Side-note:  Bravado aside there are some people that do not have strong feeling for me one way or the other but I read some other blog about writing blogs and I did not think that would be as dynamic and I am trying to modify my writing style from rambling to dynamic rambling.

When I was still working I thought most of my co-workers did not like me but liked that I got stuff done, also I worked cheap.  I had a few people I was close to at work but you know I was that one guy who worked in the back office that lacked social skills and did not understand humor in the "traditional" sense.

At least that was my perception of the status quo before I became noticeably ill.  When my co-workers noticed my sickness manifest itself: they were nice and they were compassionate and they were caring.  Now I noticed my co-workers generosity of spirit but thought it was just that, generosity of spirit and I did not think more people liked me all the sudden, I just thought hey nice people are nice to people in need it does not mean they like the person in need.

So fast forward to a few years ago (remember I started this post a few years back) and I had not been able to work for a while and my prognosis was not looking good.  My wife and I had been working with a lawyer and ourselves to plan for my imminent demise.  We were hopefully planning for a long way into the future just to cover our bases but secretly my wife and I both thought we were planning for the not so distant future.

At this point I think the exposition is done, at this point to the best of my knowledge the exposition is done.   I will notarize this later but really I am sure it is done, probably.

So you see I stop by my old workplace, the credit union, to get some financial stuff in order, you know the stuff for my not so maybe imminent death.  I am talking with the manager and my wife is there and everyone is smiling and from what I recall I was at the top of my game and I was making people laugh and smile and such and then it happened.

Another manager came in that had been promoted to like an area manager let us say for the sake of this blog post.  She came in and was happy to see me and more than oh is that nice to see you kind of happy, it was like a genuine pleasure to see you happy.  I do not think I appreciated this at the time but the past is the past and I hope to learn from it anyway here it goes.  She asked what we had been doing and I said planning my death.

I was not being glib and I was just being matter effect and all right I might have been trying to be a little funny.  This person that was genuinely glad to see me started to cry.

It took me years to come back and finish this post.  It made me uncomfortable to think that I had read people wrong.  I am afraid of people and reading them was my way to control that fear and then it happened.  After some thirty five years I had changed and I had become more lovable and that was terrifying.  I still have not worked it all out but having people care about me is a weakness and at that time I could not see the strength in being loved.

Just to clarify: it is not funny to joke about your death to people that care about you.  It is my coping mechanism but I have tempered it or I better said I try.  Loving God and loving your neighbors are the two most important commandments but what is rarely mentioned is how hard it is to be loved.  Growing up as a burgeoning sociopath I did not have a problem with a lot of people coming around loving me.

I am no longer to be feared, my anger has left me and my body is broken.  Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the road ahead and it helps you carry on and that there may be freedom to be found in the pain, the pain of the past, the pain of the future, and the physical and emotional pain of the now.