Tuesday, March 3, 2015

It Has Been Long Time Since I Published A Blog Post (Did That Sound Like A Led Zeppelin Song)

It has not been a long time since I have written, most weeks I manage to some write something and indeed some weeks I am prolific, I have some thirty odd posts that I have not published.  Then you may ask yourself what is the deal?

There are a lot of deals and you knew that before asking, I mean really what in life is simple?  So I have a couple of options. Number one I could bitch about how my brain refuses to allow for decent copy editing most days and the stuff I turn out is usually in desperate need of copy editing and then that would proceed into bitching about how some days I can just not muster enough of, well for lack of a better word ganas.

Ganas is a Spanish word that does not directly translate into English. Depending on the situation it can be poorly translated as desire, forward, want, things of that nature but none of those really it do it justice.  My friends that are fluent in Spanish know what I am talking about and everybody else is lost and to bring the lost back on to the path and for the those that are not lost make sure they know where we are going forward.

I only use the word ganas in one way when speaking to anyone in any language.  Fire, like the fire of passion.  Language fails me here either from my lack of mastery or its' lack of ability but the result is the same, every time I try and write about the fire of ganas it comes up short.  It is basic and primal, fire for today, fire for tomorrow.

Much like the triangle of fire from my boy scout days the fire of ganas is made up of three parts.  The spiritual, physical and mental make up the three parts.  It is not an equilateral triangle and it is not a total sum game, meaning there is no number system that describes it.  You are not trying to get to 300 and some days it is 200 from faith and 100 mental and other days it is 100 from each, it definitely does not work like that.  Anywho after a paragraph of trying to describe it I have managed to tell you several things it is not, I think it might be me falling short and not the English language.

I think it this time I am going to let you the reader use your understanding of what it is not to imagine what it is.  Also throw in some Jiminy Cricket just for some spice because there is spice in ganas.

Aside:  I like similes and metaphors, there I have said it out loud.  I know everyone already knew this but the first step is admitting you have a problem.

After all that I have not mentioned Led Zeppelin or what ganas has to do with posting on my blog, I think you are probably smart enough to figure it out but just in case you are not.  The title is going to have to be enough clever Led Zeppelin talk for today and below I will try and bring the Ganas around to why I have not posted in almost a month, wow I do suck I am sorry but can I use the sick card?  I am sick I swear....

Ganas

The past while has been hard for me physically, I am often reluctant to talk about the details because I hate reading those blogs where there person relays how sick they are get off in some Munchhausen By-proxy Syndrome kind of way from people reading their story and feeling sorry for them.  I write this to document my successes and struggles with the twofold benefit that I release it from my mind and during that process I sometimes learn something and other times it is just a release that it is now somewhere else and not just in my mind.  The other benefit is that I hope I help people, I hope I help a lot of people but even if I just help the few I know about that is enough.

Aside:  When I was first diagnosed with sarcoidosis there was a blog that I read and related to and it gave me a lot of comfort during some hard times (i.e. existentialist angst at the thought of my potential demise).  The guy writing that blog died so again I will pledge to do my best to not die.

This has been a little bit rambling and I am in doubt of its overall coherence but I will try and wrap it up here.  My faith is God has been strong.  My spiritual health has wavered in the past, I have an understanding of the spiritual purpose for my pain but some days my pain wears against my understanding like understanding is sandstone and my pain is water and my understanding can slowly be washed away.  My wife does a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to reestablish my faith but I have also been lucky to have a relationship with a Deacon from my church who has helped with the heavy lifting and has given me tools that I can use to lift myself up.

All rightly then that was a little off topic but I am going to leave it in, I think there might have been a good simile in there.

Over the past while that I have not posted there have been different problems with my ganas so to speak.  Mostly it has been physical but it would be a lie to say that I have not had weakness in the mind or the spirit.  There are days where my mind has no desire to process anything, i.e. information, emotions, Judge Judy, I mean anything.  I do not know if your mind can really get tired but there are days where my mind is too tired to push anything onto the virtual paper.  I don't like to think about it much by my physical decline has affected my mind in ways I still do not want to consider but for the sake of my current unrealistic world view I would still like to treat my mind as being completely separate from my body.

I think I am ashamed to say that some days the spirit is not willing.  It is not as easy to quantify as physical or mental and I am aware of how nebulous those are.  There is never a day that I doubt my faith but there are days that my spirit finds my faith lacking.  It is not a failing in my Church but a failing in me.  In its simplest terms there are days when I feel the world collapsing and I ask why me?  I will not get a satisfactory answer to this question why I am alive and the petulant child in me lacks patience.

Everyday that anyone gets up and does anything is a wonder, congratulate yourself, someday life is harder than others but you get by and move from day to day and some days that is a miracle.