Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Palm Sunday and My Dad (The Tale Of Satan's Tic Tacs) Part 2

This is the second part of a multi-part series (I am not sure how much many parts I am going to write) here is a link to part 1

Palm Sunday and My Dad (The Tale Of Satan's Tic Tacs) Part 1

Day Two

This is almost a side-note but I think it is still at the aside level so I wont separate it as per protocol.  When I am on large doses of prednisone I can write and write and write, obviously I have more time since I am not sleeping but also my brain manages to shift down while I am going up the hill of writing.  If you try going up a hill with your car in 3rd gear, depending on the car, you can make it up the hill but your car will climb the hill slowly and perhaps die but if you shift the car to 2nd gear all the sudden you seem to have more power but you don't you are just making better use of the power you already have in the current situation and that is what my brain does when I am on high doses of prednisone.

The point of the preceding paragraph, which I have to mention now because I did not manage to make it in that paragraph, and that point is if I do not stop writing I will not stop writing.  The rambling will continue and like you saw in Part 1 it went here and there because everything that popped into my huge noggin had to be extrapolated on and the writing, much like the beat, goes on.

Other side of the magic of being able to write and write and write is that when I stop and then come back to "finish" what I started writing I might be able to stay on topic the writing style is the same and the random sushi popping out of my noggin will not relate in a cohesive way to yesterdays noggin poppings.

Paragraph four of aside, I am going to start back onto the topic of Palm Sunday and my dad and the Tic Tacs of Satan but it might not flow like I think it should in relation to the previous post and I am pretty sure it wont flow by the measures of you my faithful reader.

As time goes on and the side effects of prednisone begin to mount you will need to bring some more drug buddies along for the ride.  After a couple of weeks of no sleep and people are really starting to avoid you, this is the stage right after they look at you funny, you go to the doc and say hey I need some sleeping pills or I will literally go nuts and boom there you have some sleeping pills.  Then you begin to swell and retain fluids and in my particular retain fluids to the point where you can no longer bend your legs and then you say hey doc this whole non-bending leg thing just will not stand and boom you get some water pills to help eliminate extra fluids (in my case it did not work).  Then your skin gets so thin that when hit a shoulder against a door frame, just a brush, and boom your start bleeding and then the doc is like well that one you just kind of have to put up with because there is no drug to counter act that side effect.

This list continues and continues and I can't remember how many drugs I took at my mostest drug taking point but I think it was like twenty seven and yes I say like because I grew up in the eighties.  Prednisone also has one really sobering effect, not a side effect but an effect, it stops your immune system from working.  Sarcoidosis is a disease of the immune system and when push comes to shove the only thing any of the drugs they give me to "treat" my sarcoidosis is try and stop my immune system in various ways and this effect can have one bad side effect death.  When you are full of fluids and your lungs are damaged and your immune system is not working and then you catch a little bug.  There is a little cough as you fade to sleep and by the morning you feel as though you are drowning from every breath and there are rails and wheezing and you have pneumonia but it is not even a regular pneumonia it is some weird pneumonia that is antibiotic resistant and combined with you weakened immune system and you almost die.

I do not know whether I have written about that before, the whole drowning in my own fluids, I think I have but only in a jestful kind of funny isn't it great to read this funny fat sick guys blog kind of way.  I had denial and not de nile, denial.  I was sick, I had as the best case a life changing illness and at as the real case a life threatening illness and there were several times that I came close to death and would only admit it in the back of mind, under the reptilian part, I mean this was way in the back.

After five years I have done the cost benefit analysis and I would rather be alive and suffer than dead and not suffer.  Certainly my impending conversion to Catholicism has informed this decision but it is not the only reason.  I know many people that have known me since my youth long for the days of the fat existentialist atheism that they had fallen in love with and hoped to change and bring in the light from the depths of darkness of his angst and I know those people are thinking isn't it convenient that he gets a disease with some suffering and he finds a religion that has a positive outlook on suffering?

Yes it is convenient and I would even go as far as to say it is the divine convenience, it is the third cousin of both divine tragedy and divine comedy and overlooked for simplicity sake but no more.  The conversion has been years and will continue for years.  There was a great man, an evangelical preacher, he was a good friend and when I was struck blind like Paul he was there to guide me towards Jesus and from there my journey has lead me to the place I have always known would be my true spiritual home the Roman Catholic Church.  It feels good to be home.

Again stay tuned I think I have many more pages to spill out!